Toucans

Toucans seem pretty interesting, am I right? I mean, those beaks...

But you know what those beaks are good for? They're good for being large enough to reach fruit without the dumb bird getting off it's sorry ass! Seriously, that's the extent of their evolutionary significance!

They don't really have any consistent predators, so they don't really have to do anything except sit on their asses all day and learn to eat fruit without having to get up...

The worst part? They're totally necessary to their environment. The seeds in the fruit they eat can only become trees after they go through their digestive tract.

I hate people who coast through life on some natural talent without having to work for their splendor! And then getting appreciation 'cause they're pretty and useful!

Y'know... their tongues are specially designed so that they can get maximum pleasure out of eating fruit...

Natural selection is when the strong survive while the weak die out, and then the strong's genes consequently move on to the next generation. This is the basis of evolution.

So how did natural selection cause the toucan's tongue to taste better?! Did all the toucans that didn't have awesome tongues commit suicide?!

Y'know... when a human does nothing but sit around and eat all day, they develop health problems and people find them unappealing... But toucans are healthy and gorgeous, and people want to paint them and have their photos taken with them.

And why's their beak so colourful?! There's no reason!

It's like God asked some... species what it wanted to be like, and it said "I don't want to have to do a lot of work... and I want a lot of pleasure in my life... with no stress... and to be necessary to the people around me... and to be pretty. That'd be awesome. Thanks!"

Thus the toucan was born.

Recently, it was discovered that some rainforest that had been clear-cut had grown back. Because of the way rainforests grow, with the canopy bottling in moisture, it was previously thought that once rainforest was cut, it wouldn't grow back. This freshly-grown rainforest has the full quantity of life expected to be found in pre-cut rainforest.

...Further studies indicate that this anomaly was achieved largely by toucans defecating on the wasteland.

That's right. Toucans do the equivalent of you using the upstairs bathroom instead of the one on your level, and they save the damn rainforest and show up all our most respected scientists!

I hate toucans!!!

Edit: Bad news guys. The toucans finally got one over on us. It was discovered that the reason their bills are large is to regulate the temperature of their bodies. They deceived us!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8165895.stm