(Videogame) New Super Mario Brothers Wii

As the first simultaneous multiplayer game for the flagship series of the most successful console, this was supposed to be a revolutionary game, and on release, it was given rave reviews, so my expectations were high. Unfortunately, it didn't live up to them.

First of all, the name bugs me. Making "New" a part of the name of a series is always a bad idea, because nothing stays new forever. And putting the name of the console down as the distinguishing feature for this entry is like promising that there won't be a second. Even if that's true, it's still kind of a downer, and I wouldn't think depressing your consumers was a good marketing strategy.

Secondly, the game can be played with up to four players, but the character selection is Mario, Luigi and.... Blue Toad and Yellow Toad. Having two random Toads (the predominant species of "good" intelligent lifeforms) play as characters puts the Mario Brothers to shame, making it seem like anyone in the Mushroom Kingdom is capable of doing what they do, but it's just that they're usually the only ones that bother. Also, it forces the individual Toad that was characterized throughout most of the series' history further into obscurity.

I thought they'd try to kind of sweep these characters under the rug, having them merely be placeholders for Player Three and Four, even though it's not like they're short on characters that could have held those positions, but they actually went to the effort of putting them into every cutscene, whether or not you use them. Also, while First Player is always forced to be Mario, Second Player gets to make a selection between Luigi, Blue Toad and Yellow Toad. This makes it seem like Mario's is more of an important character in comparison to Luigi, then Luigi is to Blue Toad and Yellow Toad. They're both featured on the game case and on the disk itself, too.

But even though they're given as much screentime as the Mario Bros., there was never an attempt to characterize them. Despite all the opportunity they were given for careful inspection, they're still completely illegitimate characters.

Thirdly, the game was easy, and it was short. Me and my brother beat it in two days, and if we'd tried, we could have beat it in one. I'm not exactly an expert platformer, either.

I was also disappointed to find out that, despite this being a cooperative simultaneous multiplayer game, it['s more difficult to play with two players than it is with one. It's still fun, but it'd be nice to think that in a coop game, you'd be helping your partner, instead of holding them back all the time.

There are some ways to help a partner out. You can revive in the middle of a stage if your partner doesn't die before he's capable of tagging your reincarnated body as it floats back on-screen in a bubble, and you can voluntarily transform into a bubble and save your buffs and a life before you fall to your doom, or you can avoid a tricky area if your partner is capable of doing it without you. Also, you can bounce off each other's heads and carry each other for trickier jumps.

But in the end, the way the camera has to jerk around to accommodate the both of you if you're far from each other, or the way you keep stepping one each other's toes when you're nearby, it just makes everything harder.

The graphics are fine. The music is fine. I didn't really have a problem with any of that. Personally, I've never liked the Koopalings, who are the main villains in this series. But that's just my preference.

And, admittedly, there are more things you can do after beating the main body of the game. You can collect star coins to buy hint movies and unlock extra levels on a special extra world at the end.

I was also pleased to see game mechanics from Yoshi's Island, one of my favourite branch series Mario platformers.

Buuuut the most positive thing I have to say is that this game had the most gratifying ending of any Mario game ever. Ever. Why? Because Mario landed a date! Sometimes... SOMETIMES he gets a peck on the cheek. And that surprises him so much that he usually has a fainting fit. I always thought this was a really lame reward. I mean, Pit, who is PAID to be the bodyguard of Palutina, gets kissed on the mouth just for doing his job!

I still think the ending would've been more gratifying if Peach had kissed Mario. On the mouth. With tongue. But him landing an actual, bona-fide date is pretty sweet, considering all the cop-outs he's suffered in the past.

But it sure did answer some questions, in my humble opinion. I mean, Peach didn't offer to date Mario... Luigi flew down in a balloon and offered it to Mario and Peach. Being put on the spot, Mario couldn't refuse Luigi's offer without insulting Peach.

Now, let's do a bit of reflection. Even if Peach hasn't given Mario too much, has she ever denied his approach? No. Now, let's think on this: Whenever Peach is offered as an option in a character selection with the Mario Bros. she's usually more powerful. She also rescued Mario, Luigi, and Toad from the clutches of Bowser in Super Princess Peach using her own brute powers. That game was incredibly easy, too. Why? Was it because of the levels being too simple? No. It was because of the mammoth roster of skills possessed by Princess Peach.

So, why is it that she's always being kidnapped by a guy she knows she can defeat, on her own turf, and why does she need to be rescued by a fellow weaker than her, with no political influence, unlike her, with her own personal army?

Before, I had thought the series had some pretty kinky underlying themes. I mean, Bowser's in love with her, he's always capturing her, his sons, the Koopalings, have to come from somewhere, and according to Mario Bros. Superstar Saga, the Mario Bros. are middle-age, and according to Yoshi's Island 2, the Mario Bros. Peach and Bowser were all babies at the same time, which means that, if the Mario Bros. are currently middle-age, Peach is, too, and that makes her old enough too have born the Koopalings.

(Reminder: post a humorous captioned pic when Internet is more stable)

But now I'm thinking that allowing herself to be captured by Bowser is more about making Mario take the initiative. Peach is a traditionalist, so she'd want the man to make the first move, but Mario never does, and the closest he ever comes is when he's rescuing her. So she abuses that for all it's worth, Bowser just a pawn in her schemes.

Good thing Luigi intervened this time around. The relationship is finally picking up some speed after they've been in the initial courting phase their entire lives, until now when both are past age 40.

Duncan thinks it's creepy that I analyze an innocent children's videogame series in such a way, but I think he needs to wise up.

I should tell you guys what I think of Yoshi and Birdo's relationship.